Anger fills me and suddenly - nope, it was probably the accumulation of events here and there; that’s always the case isn’t it - I turn into this monster who cannot contain its rage and frustration at what’s going on. It’s the most horrible feeling to feel like this, to cry like a pathetic loser for hours and to feel the heart literally aching while trying to figure everything out what could have been done, and what hasn’t been done enough. Good thing that nothing lasts, not even heartache or anger, and it’s all back to square one.
weekend in transition
It’s Sunday night / Monday morning and I’m lying on my bed, yet not wanting to go to bed because when I wake up it will be time to head to work again. Not that it’s that dreadful, I guess nobody likes Monday that’s all.
My day started out fine, and went downhill from there as I had a most ridiculous tiff with my dad when we’re on our way home from church / the petrol kiosk. It made me so mad that he was being so ridiculous and I just went into my room to cry and type furious whatsapp messages to ym. Tried to sleep it off (as advice from my bf) but before I could calm my tits down and do so, I received a call from ym, telling me that he’d dropped his wallet on the train on his way to town. I was feeling so terrible because a) that wallet was a gift from me for his 21st birthday b) how could he be so careless c) he had his 11b in there which is equivalent to an IC for NSmen d) THAT WOULD BE THE 2ND WALLET FROM ME THAT HE’D LOST
Just as I was to fall asleep, I received another call from him and THANK THE HEAVENS a kind soul picked up his wallet and decided that it was the right thing to do to return it to SMRT’s staff. Holy sigh of relief and then I drifted off to sleep.
True enough, I woke up 2 hrs later and everything was fine between my dad and I. It’s as if nothing happened and I don’t feel angry with him anymore. My parents and I went to pick my Gong Gong from Northpoint and sent him home because he was feeling giddy, and headed to Junction10 for dinner. And on the way there, I received an image from ym over whatsapp:
It’s not a surprise because I picked out my bracelet and charms (when he asked me what i wanted for my birthday) and showed them to him with the website but I just felt really happy anyway. Though I would say that I would rather have him spend my birthday with me but I would only be seeing him on the 16th or 17th Nov - that is a few days after I turn 20. BUT I still feel very appreciative that I have my family and friends to spend my birthday with me!
And so, my day ended on a relatively sweet note, with a simple dinner with my family, a quick round at the supermarket to stock up on drinks hehe (Taiwan fruit beer is amazing!), and the occasional Gongcha treat that I gave my parents just before we headed home. Not to mention that the weather was lovely enough to wear a thin knit top all day long.
Now off to bed and I sure hope these two weeks will fly by so that I can hold him in my arms again.
p.s.: Also how could I forget, GOT TIX FOR LANEWAY 2013 TOO! Not that I’m a big fan of indie music but I’m the type who would always enjoy myself when you throw me at a festival like this with a bunch of friends, beer, and good music. At least I did for this year’s Laneway! The ambience really counts and next year it’s no longer at Fort Canning park but at Gardens By The Bay! How very exciting. Alright I feel excited just thinking about it whoooop!
A letter to my lover
Saved this as a draft for a couple of weeks now and I’ve decided that I would finally publish this:
It’s been 4 years since we got together. I was barely 16 and you, 17. I took the first move though we both knew our feelings for each other. It was a rough start because it was illegitimate.
Falling in love with a boy with no knowledge of what it was like to have my feelings reciprocated, was wonderful. Pure, and unadulterated.
I remember you waiting for me at the void deck every morning when the skies were still dark and we would make out (just kissing lol) in a corner before going to school. Young lust, I would still remember years from now.
Slowly the initial excitement of our relationship wore off. Familiarity and comfort replaced that instead. Perhaps complacency too? Sometimes we took each other for granted. Some days I felt like I was the happiest girl on earth and on others, I just wished you would disappear from the face of the earth so I would never have to cry over you again. We had problems to face and quarrels that could either make or break us.
Four years down the road, I turn 20 in a couple of months’ time while you are already 21 and serving NS (yet still behave like a small boy). I’ve grown to love you in ways that I could have never imagined. I’ve memorised your natural scent and the distinctive sound of your cough. I hate the way you cough. I love the touch of your skin and the way you make me feel like you want me. There are many things that I hate about you but far more lines on the list that makes my heart skip a beat. It still does, really. I’m more than happy to have an ass like you in my life.
Happy anniversary baby. I love you always.
Good morning sunshine
Same old same old
Hearing about others going through the exact same shit puts me to ease, a little bit, to know that I’m not weird or too different, but it also makes me fear that we’ll end up like them. Except that I have a little more faith in us. Well, I’ve learnt to.
Then again I’m crediting my neutral-but-leaning-towards-positive kinda mood to the peaceful life of a sloth that I’m living for the time being. That, and happy texts. Funny how happiness has to be fought for. Why we have to see past the flaws to be happy again. It’s tiring but absolutely worth it.
Feeling this sudden sense of dissatisfaction with my life - this really sucks. I love the support and freedom (slowly but surely) I’m getting from my folks, I love how the relationships that I’ve built with my tiny circle of friends have become so comfortable, supportive, and stable in a way. I love that I can envision living with the love of my life 10 years from now. And I’m so grateful for the stability and people that I’m blessed to be surrounded by. Even my education - I’m grateful for that. BUT, just but, I feel so bored with life I wish I had more. In real desperate need to travel and break out of this routine that I’ve unknowingly gotten myself into. I’m so damn bored and uninspired and I’m not even 20
I feel like a monster sometimes
But then on other days, there is no guilt in feeling that sense of entitlement in feeling the way I do
My emotions are mine and mine alone
Hi, I’m addicted to Instagram.
Life’s pretty unexciting right now
Everyday’s routine is more or less the same
Get waken up by alarm > snooze for 20mins > rush to get out of the house > puff puff > curse and swear at the fucking sun > endure the long train journey > arrive at work wanting to be home> endure 6 hours of work > curse and swear somemore > puff puff > decide where to go after work/ meet whoever I’ve arranged to meet > reach home > feel too lazy to shower > laze around until I feel too dirty > shower > expect call from baby between 9.30 - 10.30pm > talk to him for a minute or two > use my phone until wee hours and regret it in the morning > REPEAT
Boring… I miss my boyfriend
Because the only way is up. To allow my state my emotional health to head south or take a few steps back would be extremely stupid. I’ve not expected myself to feel this.. calm (more like helpless anyway) but it’s not a good feeling anyway. I hope that I’m getting better, happier and stronger. May this always be a reminder to myself should anything affect me again.
You have no idea how happy I am when I receive your calls at night ♡ Just 12 more days!
Meanwhile, I’ve been spending quality time with my lovely friends whom I feel so thankful to have
When people start leaving one by one and we don’t even know why, really, it’s not our loss you know.
I feel incredibly drained
So the weekend’s over and in less than 3 days ym would be shipped off to a little island called Tekong for his
3-week (edit) 2-year “vacation”, along with hundreds(?) of other botak boys. Have been spending our days together more frequently than ever. It’s gonna be hard esp when I’ll be attending lessons at night on 3/4 weekdays and lessons till evening on Saturdays. But it’ll be a test of our relationship AND I have faith in us. Aish cliché much…
Anyway ym’s sis got married on Saturday and I think its really nice when people truly share your joy and give you their blessings. Also, my bf looked really good in a suit and bowtie :)
Some photos that were taken over the past few weeks (save for grad day)
(edit) Photos from the wedding day
2/6 - Traditional wedding ceremonials in the morning at baby’s house > Dinner banquet @ Furama
More photos when I get to uploading them from my cam. Goodnight for now~